A couple of nights ago Josh and I were getting ready to go to bed when I asked him, "Do you ever feel like you're a failure?" It broke out into a long conversation. He instantly asked me why I thought I was a failure. Saw right through that one, huh?
I told him that I feel like I'm nothing important and a failure because all I am is a mom. Now before anyone goes and writes "what a privilege, or honor or how it's the best job you could ever have", I will vomit all over you.
It seems as though the world has changed the view on being a stay at home mom. It's like you're a loser, you're pathetic and you're just not smart enough to have a "job" or "career". I know that I have a lot of friends who work and would give their right arm to stay home with their kids. Please don't take offense to this post. It has nothing to do with you. It's just my feelings.
When you are introduced to people and they ask you what you do and you tell them that you are a stay at home mom, they almost turn their nose up at you, like, "Oh, you're just a little housewife and you are so pathetic. I'm this or I'm that..." BLAH!!! It makes me angry that I let this get to me but I do feel like unless I started working, I wouldn't feel like I was really worth anything or that I'm not doing anything important.
As Josh and I got talking it got a little bit better. He pointed out something so very close to my heart. When I was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money. There were 5 kids in our home and only my father worked. I knew that he didn't make a lot of money and at times a secondary income was needed. My mother would work from home for different companies. I remember her working for Seitec, she sewed shirts and lace for the company. Another was when she would work through the night doing 10-key entry for a company. Another job that was done from home. My mom always made a sacrifice for our family, as did my dad.
I never would have been as close to my mother if I had come home from school and she hadn't been there to listen to me. I was so close to my mom, I told her almost everything, when I did things that were bad, when I lied and so on. My mother was a sounding board and she was ALWAYS there. Even though for a good majority of my time growing up, she had mono and she was always fatigued, she always did anything and everything for her kids. A selfless person, indeed.
We didn't ever have the best or the nicest of anything. I remember then, being embarrassed of the cars we drove, our house, because it wasn't big enough, not name brand clothes and so many other materialistic things that ran my life. My mom made a sacrifice to stay home, she could have gone to work and we could have had all of those things.
And now, here it is, not until I have children of my own, that I TRULY appreciate my mother. Not until I am walking in her shoes. It's not until now that I truly understand the sacrifice and am so grateful for her. I now call my mom and thank her for not killing me as a child. I tell my mom how much I am sorry for the hell that I put her through. I call her to cry about how hard it is to stay home and raise my children and tell her a simple, thank you. It's now, that I feel the way she felt, it's only now, 30 years later that she gets a "reward". The reward of hearing your children say, "Thank you for all you did for me and I'm so sorry for how I treated you."
Motherhood is not easy, working or not. I struggle every day with it. I guess it's just hard to know that I will not feel like what I'm doing NOW, will be worth anything or appreciated for 30 years. Obviously, there will be those little moments but motherhood really is a thankless job for a long time.
I look at my mom and I don't think of her as someone who did nothing special with her life or someone who is dumb because she didn't have a career. I know my mom is very smart, I know what she did before she decided to have kids, she's smarter than a lot of people I know with a degree. I know my mom has done amazing things with her life and I know that she did the right thing, many, many years ago, deciding to stay home with her kids. I guess looking at my mom, where she is and what she's accomplished... gives me hope.
6 comments:
I used to be embarrassed to tell people I was a stay at home mom too. I thought people would think I was too dumb to have a career, it's funny how we perceive things. Just know someone out there feels the same way you do!
Thanks Kimberlee for the nice things you said about me. Truly I remember having all of those same feelings about not measuring up when I was raising you kids. It's amazing how our perspective changes with the years. I, too, truly appreciate my mom much more now that I am older and wiser. I will never forget all of the things we went through together, you and I, during those turbulent years. The many smiles and memories far outshine the tears. You are a great mom and those two little girls will one day thank you for being there for them too! I love you.
Isn't it funny how we all have such different situations and different challenges. I am one of those who would give their right arm to be home, but I actually remember a time when I was home for a few months and I thought...really how many times can you clean the house up in one day. I remember feeling like I didn't accomplish anything during the day and feeling like I should be doing all these great fun activities with the kids, but I never did. Which is funny because that is how I feel now working full time. It just seemed like we made it through the day, and cleaned up messes.
Even now, when I want to be home so much I wonder if I would miss working a little bit. I wonder if I would miss the interaction with my friends or not. I don't know. Maybe I should quit and find out. hehe!
I do know one thing. I know you are a TERRIFIC mom. Those girls have so many great opportunities with you two as parents, and I think there is such a security knowing that mom is there. You have a beautiful family...and they are blessed to have you as a mom and wife! I love you!
Kim, thank you for taking the thoughts out of my brain and recording them in such an organized manner! :) I feel the exact same way that you do. It helps to know that I'm not the only one! :) Thanks for sharing.
I totally agree with you Kim however. . . I do have to work, and it is usually only 2 or 3 days a week but I am always embarrassed to say that my kids go to day care. Isn't sad how we all feel so judged by the each other.
Wow, I think I can just echo everyone else's comment here. It is so true that it isn't glamorous (is that true of anything that deals with poop, boogers, and slobber?), and the rewards are small but beautiful, and that TRUE gratitude takes quite a while to show up. Thank you for being honest about it. So many want others to think that it's always star dust and pixie sticks, but it's not. Of course it has it's shining moments, but there's a whole lot of rain clouds right along with it that those perfect fake people refuse to acknowledge that they exist... just saying. Love you sistah and you are an EXCELLENT mother!!!
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