My Feelings Threw Up This Post

-Why do I like songs that have such dirty lyrics but I love the beat? I hate the lyrics but I can't get the beat out of my head...

-I can't finish a book. I swear, it is actually impossible for me to start a book and finish it. I usually get about 1/2 way and just can't put forth the effort anymore and usually start a new one. A self-inflicted crap cycle.

-Some days I just wake up and I know that it is going to be a bad day and I refuse to let it be anything but that. That's right, I don't care to change my attitude. Mondays always suck, ALWAYS!!!

-I am extremely high strung, I'll be the first to admit it. Don't get annoyed with that, it's just how I am and I have tried to fix it, it's genetically in me, always has been that way. It's part of my personality. If your personality is super calm and you don't give a flying rat's *&% about anything and you don't get stressed out easily, do I make fun of you? No!... so shut the hell up about the way I am.

More than likely if you are judging me for this, you don't know the first thing about me or the crap that I have experienced. Trust me, you have no right to judge me.... just because my trial is not visible to all (like the death of a loved one, NOT TRYING TO DOWNPLAYING THAT AT ALL!!!) doesn't mean that I don't hurt, ache, scream, cry, yell and have been to the deepest level of Hell. I've been places I never care to relive in my entire life. I wish they could be stripped from my memory, heaven knows I've actually had that opportunity.

WHY? Why are those the things that have been ingrained in my brain but some of the sweet memories have been stripped away? Why couldn't the ugly things have been taken? How do you ever learn to forgive, I mean truly forgive, when you can't even forgive yourself? Sometimes, it seems like a sick joke that God is playing on me. Take away the pain! You had that opportunity and instead you left me with the pain and took away the sweet release of medication that makes the pain bearable.

I'm ashamed. I'm weak. I'm sorrowful. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm torn and tattered. I'm trying. I'm trying to forgive... myself. Hopefully, time will heal that wound and forgiveness will follow.